A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
