So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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