i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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