i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i think i have two assholes
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
