But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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