I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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