I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
You smell like a Billy Joel song
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize