Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
