my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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