Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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