God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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