so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
