if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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