wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
