I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
