I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
