As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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