How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
