I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize