Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
