so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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