He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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