dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
