My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
