She said her name was "party"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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