Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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