I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
