We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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