I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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