There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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