I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
