This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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