Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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