The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
