omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
