In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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