I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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