Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
