1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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