Umm I'm too high to move.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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