my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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