Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
