Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
