Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
