i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
