As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
