my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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