dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
