Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
