Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize