You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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