i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
