i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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