Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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