A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
