My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
