i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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