just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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