highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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