Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
