There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
