I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
are you so shy because you have an std?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
