I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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