hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
