Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
