how can u be prego again
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
